Hectic and Distorted

The photo of above is the view from my Mother's balcony at the beach. What a beautiful sunset!

Again, things have been hectic around here. My mother moved to the coast. It still pisses me off that her exhusband ran her completely out of town, but if she can find a tad bit of happiness there, then Im happy for her.

I got a job the other day, but I dont actually start work until Monday. I will only work Mon through Wed, of next week, then leave for the beach on Thursday to visit my Mother and have a small vacation.

My thoughts and my mind are really clouded right now with everything. I have so much I want to write about, but can't seem to find the words to express it all.

My Mom is back here, tomorrow and staying at a hotel. Her divorce hearing is Friday, then Saturday she leaves back for her home at the beach taking my daughters to spend the week with her. Then we will go on Thursday and bring the girls back home on Sunday. It should be a nice for us all.

I really need to do better in keeping up my websites!

Dont forget to visit my Nature blog: When Nature Speaks Do You Listen.

Maybe tomorrow my head won't be so clouded and I can express the turmoil raging inside my damn brain. Even the coffee isn't suppressing the thoughts.

Mama Anxiety

Painting of My Mother by: Libby Sealy (my daughter)

The last couple of days I have felt like something wasn't right. I have had some feeling of anxiety, yet I just couldn't figure out why. Maybe because Libby is at the beach,with her church youth? Because Julie's asthma has been hard to control the last few weeks? Because business has been slow at the shop for Billy?

It wasn't till yesterday I learned why these feelings of uneasiness, nervousness and anxiety are coming over me. My Mom called me on the way home from the beach. She told me she was about half way home. Those same flames of anxiety seemed to engulf me at that very moment as she spoke those words. I became extremely sweaty, at loss for words, my heart started pounding,everything around me became fuzzy. "Are you there? Can you hear me?" I heard her asking through the phone. I managed to speak "I'm here." After our brief conversation, I hung up and sat outside on the steps of my front porch.Trying to compose myself before I walked back in the house.

Last night I laid in bed trying my hardest to fall asleep. So many waves of emotions and thoughts were spinning out of control. I let these emotions take over me, for I could no longer fight them, and I cried myself to sleep. Something, I have not done in a very long time.

My mother is coming home from the beach, but in 6 days, her home here, will no longer be her home. Instead, her home will be at the beach, some 4 and half hours away from me, 243 miles from me. Not only will she be moving this far from me, but she will be doing it alone.

At 63 years of age, my mother has been forced into a life of being alone due to a divorce from her husband of 20 years. He filed on terms of being separated one year, however, we all know that a man doesn't come home after 20 years and just suddenly want a divorce. My mother fought back, hired a PI, and a few weeks later was able to file on adultery. I will be blogging more on this in just a few weeks after their court date.

My mother has always been a strong woman, no one ever saw her break, nor ever saw her cry, but there is a breaking point, and he broke it. My daughters and I witnessed tears of hurt and sadness the first month he left her. She quickly dried those tears, and fought back with a vengeance. He quickly learned hell hath no fury on a woman scorned. To add to the pain and hurt, he left her just 6 months after she had a stroke.

My mom has found it hard to live in the same home they shared. She has found it hard to live in the same town as he and his 45 year old girlfriend. We all live in relatively small town, and she found it hard living in this town having to see the same friends they once shared. She found it hard to attend the same church they shared for 20 years, especially after he brought his mistress to the service after she filed adultery papers. The man has no heart and no soul. My mother has learned many secrets since they have been separated. Secrets that we all find outrageous, but nonetheless, as outrageous as they may be, they are true. He lied to their church congregation, he lied to her step children, and he lied to their friends. He made her look like the bad person....and with all that, he drove her out of this town, away from me, away from her grand children! This man, however, is slowly digging his own grave..once he brought his concubine into their church, everyone was able to see the truth..the truth! but it was too late. Mama had already sold her home, and already planned to make her home at the beach.

Mama's closing date on her house is in just a few days. She is home only for a few days to finish the last minute things that need to be finished, and deal with the moving company. After that, she will leave for the beach once again, to her new home, to her new friends, to her new life. She will have to come back home one more time and stay in a hotel to attend her court date on the 25th.

Now that I know the anxiety I have been having is from my Mom moving 243 miles away, I can start dealing with it. I know for a fact she will be happier there. She already had the condo at the beach, and had hoped of retiring there, she just didn't want it to be this way. I know she has wonderful friends there, friends that care about her! She has already developed a life there, as she has spent the majority of their separation there already. She goes to luncheons, dinners, parties, and on gambling ships. Matter of fact, she hit the jackpot last week, when several of her friends and her went for a birthday celebration of one of her friends. She has already rearranged the condo as she wanted it, and remodeled it as she wants it.

I know when my Mama drives away in a few days, my anxiety will turn to tears. I have grown closer to my mother in the last few months, so close that no one could break the bond we have now. We used to not be so close, and we used to not have such a strong bond. She made a statement the other night that one good thing came from all this...we are finally a family, a family like we are suppose to be. She and I have shared a little bit of a rocky past. I was a wild child and rebellious. she only wanted what was best for me. I mistakenly took her love, care, and concern and successful wishes for me as nagging. I was so clearly, freaking wrong. I had felt this way for almost 20 something years, ok, longer than 20 something years. It wasn't till she had the stroke, that I learned how much I love my Mama. I was terrified after she had her stroke! She bounced back quickly, and I realized how close I came to losing her. NEVER AGAIN! Never AGAIN!

I'm scared for my mama with her moving. I'm worried about her health as she still fights with high blood pressure. I'm worried about her safety living alone so far from me. The tears I had shed last night was from the strong realization of why I have been having so much anxiety. The truth is...I am scared of living with out my Mama.

If you wish, you can view my Nature blog by clicking here:
When Nature Speaks,Do You Listen?

Why I Am Who I am

Since school has been out for the girls, I have spent the majority of my time with them. Of course they claim to be bored, as I'm sure they are, but I have enjoyed my time with them.

Libby left for the beach with her church youth group Saturday, and will be returning back home this Saturday. She has only called me once since being gone, that just tells me she is having such a good time that she isn't thinking about me or getting homesick any.

Julie remained home due to being sick. This was her first year in not going, but I do not think she has missed it so much. Although Julie has been sick most of the week, we have had a good time together. We have managed to watch several movies together on my new plasma big screen tv which I received from my mother. We have cracked jokes, and have laughed till our sides hurt and tears spill from our eyes. We've stayed up till 3am while she plays some computer game called Runescape and watching movies with me. Even as I type this we are watching Mall Cop and haven't long finished watching Julie and Julia. While all this may sound boring to most of you and you're probably wondering whats the big deal...there really is no big deal, except that Julie hardly ever stays home. During the school months, we don't spend much quality time together in the evenings, except at the dinner table, and I don't ever get much quality time with LIbby either. On weekends Julie is normally at her best friend Audrey's house, or either locked in her room on the phone or on the computer getting involved in some kind of teen drama.

Spending quality time with both my daughters is extremely important to me. I always give them their alone time they so often seek, and I let them go out with their friends as often as they want, but soon as I see a chance to be with my daughters, I snatch it up.

They grow so quickly. Libby hasn't been long turned 17, and Julie will be turning 15 in July. Sometimes I look at them and how grown up they are. How mature both of them are, and how amazingly beautiful they both are, and I have to ask myself, where in the hell did time go? When in the hell did they grow up?

Prior to the last couple of years, I had spent the last 10 years struggling with some serious health issues. It started when I found out I had a rare kidney disease and had to have my right kidney removed. Before then, I struggled with such high blood pressure, anger issues, headaches and such that i never really knew anything was ever wrong with me, till my blood pressure went so high that I lost vision in my right eye. When I had to have my kidney removed, I was only given a 40 percent chance of survival. A year later, I had to have my left kidney operated on. After I recovered from my kidney issues, I had a freak accident with a motorcycle where i crushed my whole right leg and lost mobility for 2 years. I became a recluse, not wanting to go anywhere, struggled with depression and anxiety, and struggled with pain everyday. After a few operations to my leg, i regained mobility once again and saw everything in a different light. I learned to appreciate the smaller and finer things in life, and to never take anything for granted.

During those 10 years I was so self centered, so self absorbed, feeling sorry for myself, and not seeing the damage I was doing to my family. A year or so after my last operation of repairing my leg, I still struggled from some type of fear after learning of some really strange complications from receiving a bone graft which I will not go into right now. The depression got so bad that I contemplated suicide and honestly, not only did I contemplate, I actually had the pills in my hand to end all the grief I was causing to my family. I had a smorgasbord of pills in my cabinet from all kind of doctors. I had so many different kinds of pills in the palm of my hand and a cup of water in the other hand. It was Libby who walked in the kitchen that night as I held a handful of pills in my hand. She didn't know what I was thinking, she did not know what I was about to do, but seeing her face, hearing her voice, i threw those pills in the trash and realized what a mess I was in. How did I allow myself to get that way? The next day I told the doctor what I almost did the night before, he changed my medications around and put me on a different anti-depressant medicine. That medicine only made me numb. I was a zombie, a pure walking zombie. I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but one day, I decided I didn't need to be a zombie. I didn't need the anti depressants. I didn't need the Valiums nor xanaxes nor ativans..what I needed was my life back. What I needed was my family back.

During those years, my daughters had to grow up. They had an ok childhood, but I took away alot of their childhood. They had to worry about me, they had to help take care of me, and they had to deal with every damn emotion I went through.

The last two years, I have completely changed, but its been within the last year that I have changed the most. I no longer take any drugs to control my moods or fog my mind. I will admit occasionally I do have to take a pain pill for the pain I sometimes have in my leg and the arthritis in my knee.

I look forward to every moment I can spend with my children. I let 10 years go by, but I will never let the next 10 years, nor 20, nor 30 if i make it that long. I want my children to experience everything there is to experience and I want them to be able to do that without them worrying about their mama's health issues, or what kind of damn mood she may be in. I can never take back what I put them through in the last 10 years, nor could i ever give them the childhood that they missed. Instead, I spend every moment I can with them. I want to hear their dreams, their fears, their sorrows, their worries, and YES...The teen drama.

For the most part my kids say I'm a good mama, they say I'm a pretty cool mama, and they think I'm a crazy mama. I'm not all that crazy, I just like doing crazy things, saying crazy things, and crazy is what seems to make them smile. We laugh, we joke, we pick, we kid, we fight, but the strong amount of love we have for each other always wins over the simple fights.

This last year I have been on a journey. A journey of self discovery, of who I really am. I have learned so many different things along the way. Some things would just blow the average joe's mind, but the biggest thing I learned.....my kids don't really need me, I need them. It is my children that are my therapy, my drugs, and my life.

I also have the best husband. While he may have his moods just like the rest of us, he has been a wonderful husband through out it all. Our love has grown stronger in this last year, stronger than ever, and we have a stronger friendship with each other. We know now that we can get through anything, just from the hell we have already been through.

Afternoon in the Park

Friday my oldest daughter Libby and I went to a park located uptown. I had never been before, but Libby thought it would be a good idea to go and take a few photos. I was not overly impressed.

There was a small playground for little kids, a sheltered pic-nic area which only had maybe 2 or 3 tables under it and a gazebo which was occupied by what appeared to be a couple of thugs. Libby informed me there was a walking trail, and we should go walk on the trail, and maybe we could get some good nature shots. As we came upon the beginning of the trail, there was a very small flower garden, swarming with bumble bees feeding off the flower heads. Libby wanted to take a picture of the bumble bees and really wanted a to get a couple of macro shots, but each time she tried the bee would fly toward her. I, however seemed to have had a couple of calm bees and was able to get a few good photos.

Just as we were about to walk away from the flower-bee garden, a small beautiful butterfly graced us with her presence. She landed on flower and immieadtely began feeding. Her velvet, soft wings were a grayish brown tint, with a hint of soft, tiger orange on the upper wings. For some reason her wings reminded me of a sunset over a dessert. We both were able to get quite a few photos of her before she flew away.

I was really disappointed with the walking trail. For the most part it was quiet, secluded, and no other walkers but us. Ivy, bamboo, and kudzu lined the sides of the trail. The embankment was lined with old, factory mill houses and most of the back yards we could see were over grown with weeds, rusted swing sets, and over grown grass. All this combined seemed to have taken away the beauty I had imagined the trail having. I'm not really sure why, but I thought the trail would have been lined with wild flowers, planted flowers, and more exotic plants.
As we continued down the trail, we came upon the Cambridge Bridge which is now no longer in use. I stopped to take a couple of pictures of the bridge, when Libby stopped me and whispered "There's a homeless person sitting there." I hadn't seen her when I was taking photos of the bridge, but after Libby told me, I stopped. I didnt want her thinking I was taking pictures of her. As we passed by her, I smiled, nodded and said hello. She was dressed a pair of old worn out, dingy, khaki colored pants rolled up to her knees. Her shoes had a hole in the toe, and she had some kind of black cloth wrapped around her headd. Two grocery bags sat beside her, I wondered if it contained all her belongings. She looked up at me, almost as if in shock that I spoke to her. She smiled and I noticed she only had a couple of teeth. I could see the sorrow and pain on her face although she managed to give me just a little smile when I spoke to her.

We continued on down the trail for about a mile, when we came upon another bridge. Libby decided she would climb up the orange clay, dirt wall, and sit on one of the concrete slabs and rest in the cool darkness out of the sun. I went to the other side of the bridge and looked up under it. Up in the corner, was a pillow, a black trash bag and a blanket. I wondered if it belonged to the lady we had seen. I couldn't imagine someone having to live this way, and why some even chose to live this way. Others, falling on hard times, foreclosures, loss of job, might have been forced to live on the streets or trails. Suddenly I thought about my little home, and while I dont have much, Im so very thankful of what I have.

I started taking photos of graffiti on the walls. "We can do better with our lives" was painted on one side of the wall. I wondered, if the homeless painted this masterpiece, or was it just a bunch of bored juvinilles. I heard something behind me, I turned quickly to see a young teen, approaching us on a bicycle. He glared at me as if I shouldnt be there, then he saw Libby sitting up on the concrete slope under the bridge. He turned around and headed back in the direction he came from, only to turn around again and come back toward us. He made me quite nervous. I thought to myself, if he suddenly decided to mug us he would be terribly upset as we had no cash on us, only our cameras. He continued to ride back and forth past us and I acted like he wasn't bothering us, nor scared of him. He popped a couple of wheelies as if he was showing out in front of my daughter and I thought to myself "oh how cool you are little punk". He looked up at Libby sitting under the bridge staring off into space, he did a couple of donuts trying to get her attention. He finally gave up and rode off. I then told Libby I didnt want to walk the trail any longer. It was too secluded, and if we got mugged, raped or attacked, no one would be able to hear us scream. I later found out that trail runs all the way through our town, and even goes behind some parts of the ghettos too. It's the same trail where drug dealers, crack heads, and prostitutes have been arrested. The same trail where they have been reports of muggers. Its sad that the walking trail, which used to be a railroad track, has turned into a trail of crime.

Headed back toward the park, dark clouds began to form in the sky. I knew a storm was brewing, for the humidity was so high we could hardly breathe. By the time, we got back to the car, Libby and I both were dripping wet with sweat. Our mouths parched by the heat and humidity, we gladly welcomed the rain. That night, Libby and I stood out in the rain, holding hands, dancing like kids under the midnight's pouring rain. It was very refreshing, and a perfect end to a wonderful day with my daughter.