Mama Anxiety

Painting of My Mother by: Libby Sealy (my daughter)

The last couple of days I have felt like something wasn't right. I have had some feeling of anxiety, yet I just couldn't figure out why. Maybe because Libby is at the beach,with her church youth? Because Julie's asthma has been hard to control the last few weeks? Because business has been slow at the shop for Billy?

It wasn't till yesterday I learned why these feelings of uneasiness, nervousness and anxiety are coming over me. My Mom called me on the way home from the beach. She told me she was about half way home. Those same flames of anxiety seemed to engulf me at that very moment as she spoke those words. I became extremely sweaty, at loss for words, my heart started pounding,everything around me became fuzzy. "Are you there? Can you hear me?" I heard her asking through the phone. I managed to speak "I'm here." After our brief conversation, I hung up and sat outside on the steps of my front porch.Trying to compose myself before I walked back in the house.

Last night I laid in bed trying my hardest to fall asleep. So many waves of emotions and thoughts were spinning out of control. I let these emotions take over me, for I could no longer fight them, and I cried myself to sleep. Something, I have not done in a very long time.

My mother is coming home from the beach, but in 6 days, her home here, will no longer be her home. Instead, her home will be at the beach, some 4 and half hours away from me, 243 miles from me. Not only will she be moving this far from me, but she will be doing it alone.

At 63 years of age, my mother has been forced into a life of being alone due to a divorce from her husband of 20 years. He filed on terms of being separated one year, however, we all know that a man doesn't come home after 20 years and just suddenly want a divorce. My mother fought back, hired a PI, and a few weeks later was able to file on adultery. I will be blogging more on this in just a few weeks after their court date.

My mother has always been a strong woman, no one ever saw her break, nor ever saw her cry, but there is a breaking point, and he broke it. My daughters and I witnessed tears of hurt and sadness the first month he left her. She quickly dried those tears, and fought back with a vengeance. He quickly learned hell hath no fury on a woman scorned. To add to the pain and hurt, he left her just 6 months after she had a stroke.

My mom has found it hard to live in the same home they shared. She has found it hard to live in the same town as he and his 45 year old girlfriend. We all live in relatively small town, and she found it hard living in this town having to see the same friends they once shared. She found it hard to attend the same church they shared for 20 years, especially after he brought his mistress to the service after she filed adultery papers. The man has no heart and no soul. My mother has learned many secrets since they have been separated. Secrets that we all find outrageous, but nonetheless, as outrageous as they may be, they are true. He lied to their church congregation, he lied to her step children, and he lied to their friends. He made her look like the bad person....and with all that, he drove her out of this town, away from me, away from her grand children! This man, however, is slowly digging his own grave..once he brought his concubine into their church, everyone was able to see the truth..the truth! but it was too late. Mama had already sold her home, and already planned to make her home at the beach.

Mama's closing date on her house is in just a few days. She is home only for a few days to finish the last minute things that need to be finished, and deal with the moving company. After that, she will leave for the beach once again, to her new home, to her new friends, to her new life. She will have to come back home one more time and stay in a hotel to attend her court date on the 25th.

Now that I know the anxiety I have been having is from my Mom moving 243 miles away, I can start dealing with it. I know for a fact she will be happier there. She already had the condo at the beach, and had hoped of retiring there, she just didn't want it to be this way. I know she has wonderful friends there, friends that care about her! She has already developed a life there, as she has spent the majority of their separation there already. She goes to luncheons, dinners, parties, and on gambling ships. Matter of fact, she hit the jackpot last week, when several of her friends and her went for a birthday celebration of one of her friends. She has already rearranged the condo as she wanted it, and remodeled it as she wants it.

I know when my Mama drives away in a few days, my anxiety will turn to tears. I have grown closer to my mother in the last few months, so close that no one could break the bond we have now. We used to not be so close, and we used to not have such a strong bond. She made a statement the other night that one good thing came from all this...we are finally a family, a family like we are suppose to be. She and I have shared a little bit of a rocky past. I was a wild child and rebellious. she only wanted what was best for me. I mistakenly took her love, care, and concern and successful wishes for me as nagging. I was so clearly, freaking wrong. I had felt this way for almost 20 something years, ok, longer than 20 something years. It wasn't till she had the stroke, that I learned how much I love my Mama. I was terrified after she had her stroke! She bounced back quickly, and I realized how close I came to losing her. NEVER AGAIN! Never AGAIN!

I'm scared for my mama with her moving. I'm worried about her health as she still fights with high blood pressure. I'm worried about her safety living alone so far from me. The tears I had shed last night was from the strong realization of why I have been having so much anxiety. The truth is...I am scared of living with out my Mama.

If you wish, you can view my Nature blog by clicking here:
When Nature Speaks,Do You Listen?
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