Why I Am Who I am

Since school has been out for the girls, I have spent the majority of my time with them. Of course they claim to be bored, as I'm sure they are, but I have enjoyed my time with them.

Libby left for the beach with her church youth group Saturday, and will be returning back home this Saturday. She has only called me once since being gone, that just tells me she is having such a good time that she isn't thinking about me or getting homesick any.

Julie remained home due to being sick. This was her first year in not going, but I do not think she has missed it so much. Although Julie has been sick most of the week, we have had a good time together. We have managed to watch several movies together on my new plasma big screen tv which I received from my mother. We have cracked jokes, and have laughed till our sides hurt and tears spill from our eyes. We've stayed up till 3am while she plays some computer game called Runescape and watching movies with me. Even as I type this we are watching Mall Cop and haven't long finished watching Julie and Julia. While all this may sound boring to most of you and you're probably wondering whats the big deal...there really is no big deal, except that Julie hardly ever stays home. During the school months, we don't spend much quality time together in the evenings, except at the dinner table, and I don't ever get much quality time with LIbby either. On weekends Julie is normally at her best friend Audrey's house, or either locked in her room on the phone or on the computer getting involved in some kind of teen drama.

Spending quality time with both my daughters is extremely important to me. I always give them their alone time they so often seek, and I let them go out with their friends as often as they want, but soon as I see a chance to be with my daughters, I snatch it up.

They grow so quickly. Libby hasn't been long turned 17, and Julie will be turning 15 in July. Sometimes I look at them and how grown up they are. How mature both of them are, and how amazingly beautiful they both are, and I have to ask myself, where in the hell did time go? When in the hell did they grow up?

Prior to the last couple of years, I had spent the last 10 years struggling with some serious health issues. It started when I found out I had a rare kidney disease and had to have my right kidney removed. Before then, I struggled with such high blood pressure, anger issues, headaches and such that i never really knew anything was ever wrong with me, till my blood pressure went so high that I lost vision in my right eye. When I had to have my kidney removed, I was only given a 40 percent chance of survival. A year later, I had to have my left kidney operated on. After I recovered from my kidney issues, I had a freak accident with a motorcycle where i crushed my whole right leg and lost mobility for 2 years. I became a recluse, not wanting to go anywhere, struggled with depression and anxiety, and struggled with pain everyday. After a few operations to my leg, i regained mobility once again and saw everything in a different light. I learned to appreciate the smaller and finer things in life, and to never take anything for granted.

During those 10 years I was so self centered, so self absorbed, feeling sorry for myself, and not seeing the damage I was doing to my family. A year or so after my last operation of repairing my leg, I still struggled from some type of fear after learning of some really strange complications from receiving a bone graft which I will not go into right now. The depression got so bad that I contemplated suicide and honestly, not only did I contemplate, I actually had the pills in my hand to end all the grief I was causing to my family. I had a smorgasbord of pills in my cabinet from all kind of doctors. I had so many different kinds of pills in the palm of my hand and a cup of water in the other hand. It was Libby who walked in the kitchen that night as I held a handful of pills in my hand. She didn't know what I was thinking, she did not know what I was about to do, but seeing her face, hearing her voice, i threw those pills in the trash and realized what a mess I was in. How did I allow myself to get that way? The next day I told the doctor what I almost did the night before, he changed my medications around and put me on a different anti-depressant medicine. That medicine only made me numb. I was a zombie, a pure walking zombie. I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but one day, I decided I didn't need to be a zombie. I didn't need the anti depressants. I didn't need the Valiums nor xanaxes nor ativans..what I needed was my life back. What I needed was my family back.

During those years, my daughters had to grow up. They had an ok childhood, but I took away alot of their childhood. They had to worry about me, they had to help take care of me, and they had to deal with every damn emotion I went through.

The last two years, I have completely changed, but its been within the last year that I have changed the most. I no longer take any drugs to control my moods or fog my mind. I will admit occasionally I do have to take a pain pill for the pain I sometimes have in my leg and the arthritis in my knee.

I look forward to every moment I can spend with my children. I let 10 years go by, but I will never let the next 10 years, nor 20, nor 30 if i make it that long. I want my children to experience everything there is to experience and I want them to be able to do that without them worrying about their mama's health issues, or what kind of damn mood she may be in. I can never take back what I put them through in the last 10 years, nor could i ever give them the childhood that they missed. Instead, I spend every moment I can with them. I want to hear their dreams, their fears, their sorrows, their worries, and YES...The teen drama.

For the most part my kids say I'm a good mama, they say I'm a pretty cool mama, and they think I'm a crazy mama. I'm not all that crazy, I just like doing crazy things, saying crazy things, and crazy is what seems to make them smile. We laugh, we joke, we pick, we kid, we fight, but the strong amount of love we have for each other always wins over the simple fights.

This last year I have been on a journey. A journey of self discovery, of who I really am. I have learned so many different things along the way. Some things would just blow the average joe's mind, but the biggest thing I learned.....my kids don't really need me, I need them. It is my children that are my therapy, my drugs, and my life.

I also have the best husband. While he may have his moods just like the rest of us, he has been a wonderful husband through out it all. Our love has grown stronger in this last year, stronger than ever, and we have a stronger friendship with each other. We know now that we can get through anything, just from the hell we have already been through.
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